Here are snippets from the Borowitz Report in The New Yorker.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Just hours after Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) told CNN that he had no choice but to sign up for Obamacare, President Barack Obama signed an executive order making Cruz ineligible for coverage under the Affordable Care Act.
"Clearly, the hardship of receiving Obamacare was causing Ted a great deal of pain," the President said. "This should take care of that."
In an official statement released later in the day, Cruz blasted the executive order and accused Obama of distorting his position on Obamacare: "I never said I didn’t want to have it. I said I didn’t want everyone else in the country to have it."