Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Breaking news from the Iowa Caucasians: Reports filed by Andy Borowitz ...

... via The Borowitz Report at the New Yorker.

"Cruz Victory Gives Hope To Despised People Everywhere"

DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Ted Cruz’s stunning victory in the Iowa caucuses is serving as a beacon of hope to despised people across the nation, a number of disliked Americans confirmed on Monday.

In interviews from coast to coast, dozens of pariahs said that the Cruz triumph meant that “the sky’s the limit” for widely hated people like them.

[snip]

In the wake of the Iowa caucuses, America’s most unlikeable people were lighting up Facebook with comments in praise of Cruz, bursting with pride that one of their number had a legitimate shot at the White House.

"Fiorina Declares Victory"

DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—In a jubilant speech on Monday night, Carly Fiorina celebrated what she called her “dominant first-place finish” in the all-important Iowa caucuses.

[snip]

She also thanked the “countless” former Hewlett-Packard employees who stumped for her in Iowa. “The relentless love and support the Hewlett-Packard crew has shown to me just blows me away,” she said.

Speaking with her usual candor, "Fiorina said that she is looking forward to the next contest, in New Hampshire, where she said she has already raised a campaign war chest of three trillion dollars."

For more quotes from Iowans head off to The Borowitz Report using the links above.

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