Sleep well tonight.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama is planning to take the nation’s nuclear launch codes with him when he leaves office, in January of 2017, the President announced in a nationally televised address on Thursday.
The President was quick to acknowledge that his decision to hold on to the launch codes was unorthodox, but said that he was doing it “to reassure the American people.”
“In recent weeks, there has been a rising level of alarm about who might have access to these codes going forward,” Obama said. “As a result, it occurred to me that the safest thing would be if I just held on to them for the foreseeable future.”
[snip - Andy ends with a report on Obama's visual.]
At the conclusion of his address, Obama held up the nuclear “football,” the briefcase containing the nation’s nuclear codes, to display it for the national television audience.
“You can all sleep well at night,” he said. “I got this.”