New Yorker satirist Andy Borowitz reports that Moving vans arrive at the White House to remove all traces of competence and dignity
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) … Working around the clock, movers started clearing out the optimism and progress that had accumulated during the past eight years.
“Once we’ve packed up that stuff, we’ll start moving out the wisdom and maturity,” one of the movers said. “The guy who’s moving in wants all of that gone.”
After the movers complete their work, a cleaning crew will come in and scrub the White House of every last speck of compassion.
The movers are working under a strict deadline, since the White House needs to be totally stripped of decency by nine o’clock on Friday morning, the mover said.
“The new guy wants the place to be completely empty, ” he said. “He has a lot of crap.”
“They are the opposition party,” one official told Esquire. “I want ’em out of the building. We are taking back the press room.”1 One of Scriber’s unreliable sources said that the same official, off the record, indicated that he was referring also to all that voluminous competence, dignity, optimism, wisdom, maturity, compassion and decency. “All that stuff takes up room that we could use to fill with portraits of our guy. Just his ego alone takes a lot of space.”
“On the record, other Trump officials insisted that the discussions within the transition team were not, contrary to the anonymous official’s bravado, about evicting reporters from the White House, where many news organizations have work spaces, but simply about using a larger space in the White House complex for the briefings.”2 Another of Scriber’s unreliable sources affirmed that getting rid of “that stuff - competence, dignity, optimism, wisdom, maturity, compassion and decency - those leftovers from the Obama administration, would increase the space for Trump supporters to fill the seats taken by the soon-to-be-relocated press.”