Saturday, April 8, 2017

The Sunday (not so) funnies

Here are two news reports from theonion.com.

Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims.

WASHINGTON—Amid concerns that a U.S. attack on a Syrian government air base would only escalate the ongoing conflict in the region, President Trump assured Americans Friday that his decision to order a missile strike came only after carefully considering every one of his passing whims. “I want to make it perfectly clear that the decision to launch a military intervention in Syria was the result of meticulously reviewing each fleeting impulse that I felt over the last 48 hours,” said Trump, adding that after learning of chemical weapons used by Bashar al-Assad’s forces to kill innocent Syrian civilians, he gathered his top military aides to pore over dozens of his sudden knee-jerk reactions to the situation. “I examined many different options that whirled through my mind in the moment, including authorizing drone strikes, deploying U.S. troops to Syria, sending in SEAL Team Six to take out Assad, getting up and grabbing a snack from the kitchen, doing nothing, and dropping all our nuclear bombs on Damascus at once. Ultimately, I concluded that an airstrike was the best option at that particular second.” Trump went on to say that if the Assad regime’s behavior continues, he will not hesitate to order further military action if he hasn’t already completely forgotten about Syria by then.

Neil Gorsuch Vows To Interpret Constitution Using Scalia’s Original Intent

WASHINGTON—Pledging to defend the highest laws of the United States as objectively and consistently as possible, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch vowed Monday that if confirmed, he would interpret the Constitution in accordance with former Associate Justice Antonin Scalia’s original intent. “The Constitution is not a living document to be reinterpreted in light of new values, but one that was meant to be understood according to the opinion originally laid down by Justice Scalia,” said Gorsuch, who promised to strictly adhere to the letter of Scalia’s jurisprudence when ruling on all cases before the court. “When Justice Scalia first wrote his opinions on subjects like civil rights and the commerce clause, he set down a blueprint that all justices should follow. Our job should always be to respect those original words, not to redefine them to fit modern attitudes.” Gorsuch added that Scalia’s original intent was still a reliable guide to evaluating the nation’s laws, even if the country we lived in was no longer one the associate justice would have recognized.

Dana Milbank of the Washington Post provides this extra bit of dark humor in Mitch McConnell, the man who broke America.

McConnell is reported to have said these things.

“No majority leader wants written on his tombstone that he presided over the end of the Senate,” the minority leader said.

He continued: “Breaking the rules to change the rules is un-American. I just hope the majority leader thinks about his legacy, the future of his party, and, most importantly, the future of our country before he acts.”

Of course that’s what he used to say.

You can now stop snickering and start screaming because you either know or suspect what comes next. Here is more from Milbank.

By rights, McConnell’s tombstone should say that he presided over the end of the Senate. And I’d add a second line: “He broke America.” No man has done more in recent years to undermine the functioning of U.S. government. His has been the epitome of unprincipled leadership, the triumph of tactics in service of short-term power.

Red Milbank’s report for a cost accounting of McConnell’s actions. Here’s another example.

Back in 1994, McConnell lamented to the conservative Heritage Foundation that Republicans hadn’t used the filibuster enough: “I am a proud guardian of gridlock. I think gridlock is making a big comeback in the country.”

It did and McConnell engineered it.

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