Disclosure: Of course, you, my readers know two things. First, if I cite “Scriber’s usually unreliable sources”, it’s satire. Second, if I cite the New Yorker’s Andy Borowitz, it’s even better satire. So here goes.
Based on reporting from Scriber’s usually unreliable sources, I thought that the next step in NRA’s suspected push to sell more guns to K–12 school districts would be supplying a hand gun to every student. But now, from the Borowitz Report in the New Yorker, we learn that the NRA backed off that proposal and instead Proposes Having Second Armed Teacher in Every Classroom to Stop First Armed Teacher from Misfiring.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hours after an armed teacher in a Northern California classroom fired a gun and injured a student, the head of the National Rifle Association proposed placing a second armed teacher in every classroom, to shoot the first armed teacher before he or she can do harm.
“Had there been a second armed teacher in the classroom to shoot the first armed teacher, this regrettable incident would never have occurred,” Wayne LaPierre said. “The only thing that stops a bad teacher with a gun is a good teacher with a gun.”
The N.R.A. executive vice-president said, “In a perfect world, you would have a third armed teacher, in case the second one messes up, but right now I’d settle for two.”
He blamed anti-gun activists for blocking measures that would allow multiple teachers with guns to shoot at one another and thus keep the nation’s classrooms safe. “It’s time to stop the madness,” he said.
It’s hard to keep up with the breaking news in this Time of Trump, but Andy Borowitz manages - better than your Scriber does. You can find more archived episodes from Andy at the New Yorker, Satire from the Borowitz Report. Not the news.