Saturday, April 21, 2018

I want $130,000 too

In case you missed it, back in February Millions of Americans Demand $130,000 for Not Having Sex with Trump reported the New Yorker satirist Andy Borowitz.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans … demanded that Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael D. Cohen, issue them checks in the amount of $130,000 for not having sex with Trump.

After Cohen revealed that he had issued such a check to Stormy Daniels, a porn star who he claims never had intimate relations with his client, there was widespread outrage among other Americans who had also not had sex with Trump but had not been paid for not doing so.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Stormy Daniels,” Tracy Klugian, a florist in Santa Rosa, California, said. “I just want my check, too.”

Harland Dorrinson, a bank teller in Akron, Ohio, said that he had already e-mailed Cohen to demand payment. “I have never come close to having sex with Trump, and that should be worth something,” he said. “Specifically, $130,000.”

But, even as millions of Americans clamored to be compensated for abstaining from sex with Cohen’s client, others, like Carol Foyler, of Tallahassee, Florida, took a different view. “Never having sex with Donald Trump should be a reward in itself,” she said.

When the judgement of History is rendered, I figure that those who are so supportive of Trump are headed to a special place in Hell. But not having sex with him does not guarantee a special place in Heaven. The overwhelming majority of Scriber’s Usually Unreliable Sources are exercising their more worldly option: the $130K.

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