Thursday, November 12, 2015

Borowitz Report: Americans break down screaming after four seconds of Ted Cruz

His campaign managers are pleased. That's up from three seconds a few months ago.

Last night, during the debate, I discovered the antidote to my impending nervous breakdown. Carson started to talk and I went to sleep. Cruz's smarminess is not so bad if you can sleep through it.

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—In a potential stumbling block for his Presidential ambitions, a new study indicates that the average American can stand only four seconds of exposure to Senator Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican.

According to the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, the results portend "significant challenges ahead" for Cruz’s campaign. "It’s hard to get your message out if, four seconds in, people just start screaming uncontrollably, as many of our participants did last night," he said.

For more about the study (satire alert), see Andy Borowitz's report in the New Yorker.

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