Andy Borowitz breaks the story in the New Yorker: Obama pays Mexico five billion dollars to keep Donald Trump.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Barack Obama defended his decision on Wednesday to issue a payment of five billion dollars to Mexico to compel that nation to retain custody of Donald J. Trump.
The payment, which will be delivered to the Mexican government in hard American currency by Wednesday afternoon, will insure that Trump will remain in Mexico for the rest of his natural life.
“I have been assured by the government of Mexico that Mr. Trump will be well taken care of and, if he proves to be a productive member of their society, will be provided a pathway to Mexican citizenship,” Obama said.
While the transfer of funds to Mexico sparked howls of protest from some Trump supporters, it was hailed by congressional Democrats, as well as by over a hundred Republicans currently running for reëlection, including Arizona Senator John McCain.
The President bristled at the suggestion that paying Mexico to keep Trump was “reverse ransom” and an extravagant use of taxpayer money. “There is only one accurate word for this payment: a bargain,” he said.
According to one of Scriber's sources, speaking on the condition of anonymity, the cash is being transported on the same plane Donald Trump is using to fly to Mexico City this morning. Secret service agents will be on that plane to protect the cash. One of Trump's staff, also speaking anonymously, said that Trump was OK with the deal as long as he got a cut of the five billion. That same staffer quoted Trump as saying "the president gig north of the border was not working out so well because of crooked Hillary. Besides, building the wall with Mexican workers will cost less."
Sen. McCain is rumored to have added: "Now I can say that I unequivocally support Trump's decision to remain in Mexico."
VP candidate Gov. Mike Pence is said by Trump campaign staff to favor the deal so long as Chris Christie is not named as a replacement for Trump.