New Yorker satirist Andy Borowitz comments on the push to move Pence to the top of the GOP ticket, Republicans Urge Replacing Man Who Hates Women with Man Who Hates Women and Gays.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As the crisis at the top of their ticket deepened on Sunday, there were increasing calls from Republican officials to replace a man who hates women with a man who hates both women and gays.
“We currently have a Presidential nominee who is consumed by his hatred of women,” Harland Dorrinson, a longtime G.O.P. official, said. “It is time for him to step aside in favor of a man who has demonstrated a more even-handed loathing of both women and gays.”
The Republican official argued that a “stellar performance” in last week’s Vice-Presidential was another reason to elevate the man to the top of the ticket. “For ninety minutes, he made no reference whatsoever to female genitalia,” he said. “That showed he has what it takes to be President.”
Moreover, he said, the man’s record as governor of Indiana demonstrated that he hated women “in a more appropriate way” than the current Republican standard bearer. “The only female body part he ever focussed on was the uterus,” the official said.
That impressive record, plus his well-established contempt for gays, makes the man “the only logical choice,” to head the Republican ticket, the official claimed.
“What this party needs right now is healing,” he said. “I can think of no one better to make that happen than a man who’s shown he hates many people equally.”
Insiders tell Scriber that the GOP thinking is that adding more groups to hate will spread the hatred around and thus defuse the outrage over Republican hatred of any one group by a process of diffusion. Discussions now focus on which additional groups they might get Pence to hate thus increasing the hate-diffusion coefficient. (If Scriber knew any insiders that's what they would say.)