Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Borowitz Report: McConnell suffers from low white vote count syndrome

New Yorker satirist Andy Borowitz reports on a rare disease that afflicts (only) Mitch McConnell Hospitalized with Low White-Vote Count.

Dr. McConnell
Do some harm
Courtesy of AZBlueMeanie

Despite his affliction, McConnell continued his push for reducing the population’s health care.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was rushed to the hospital late Monday night with what doctors diagnosed as a low white-vote count.

Doctors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center said that when McConnell arrived at the facility his white-vote count had fallen below fifty and he had gone into shock.

Dr. Harland Dorrinson, a physician at Walter Reed who is monitoring McConnell’s condition, called his low white-vote count “very serious.”

“Mitch McConnell needs a white-vote count of at least fifty in order to function,” he said. “If it falls below fifty and stays there for an extended period of time, he cannot survive.”

Efforts to boost the Senate Majority Leader’s white-vote count have so far proved fruitless, as doctors acknowledged that they have been unable to find additional white votes that are compatible with McConnell.

McConnell was first rushed to Walter Reed after showing symptoms commonly associated with a low white-vote count, including a feeling of hopelessness and uncontrollable sobbing.

Scriber’s update: McConnell was readmitted to the hospital after suffering another bout on Tuesday morning. His white vote count continues to hover below fifty. Scriber’s Usually Unreliable Sources say that McConnell’s personal physician, Dr. Trump, blames Democrats for infecting McConnell. That does seem unlikely because McConnell placed the Democrats in quarantine for several months. The more likely cause is the breakdown in McConnell’s immune system due to rejection by some white votes.

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