Saturday, March 31, 2018

Fitz: Arizona Gov. Doozy relies on economagic to fund education

Daily Star columnist/cartoonist David Fitzsimmons explains Governor Doozy’s education funding plan in Once upon a time a little bunny believed in magic.

Once upon a time, there was an adorable little bunny named Doug who loved to perform magic tricks for all the other little bunnies. Doug’s mama, Honey Bunny, called him “Doozy” because every bunny thought his magic tricks were “doozies!” Honey Bunny would often say, “Doozy would rather practice magic tricks than do his math homework!”

One day little Doozy was performing his magic show under the big cottonwood tree for a crowd of bunnies. Much to everyone’s delight, the Easter Bunny hopped by just in time to see little Doozy make a coin magically appear!

And then disappear!

The Easter Bunny introduced himself. ”You are a fine magician, little bunny!” Little Doozy wiggled his pink nose. “Aw, shucks. Thanks! They’re all pretty easy tricks.”

The Easter Bunny smiled. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“Governor. And I’m going to pay for educating every little bunny in the land without ever raising a single tax. Because I’m really good at magic tricks!”

The Easter Bunny laughed and laughed and laughed until he noticed little Doozy wasn’t laughing. They shook paws and the Easter Bunny hopped away, shaking his furry white head and saying to himself, “My! What a strange little bunny-wunny!”

The years passed, and Doozy grew up to become Arizona’s first cotton-tailed governor, running with the slogan, “I’m all ears!”

On his very first day as governor, Doozy showed all the bunnies in all the land his magic egg basket. It was empty! Doozy pointed to his empty basket and said, “This is going to pay for all our schools and teachers — and we are going to have the best schools in the land!”

All the bunnies cheered.

Doozy held the empty basket up high. “This is a magic egg basket. The best way to grow eggs is to take away all of the eggs that were in the basket, say the magic words ‘Trickle Giggle Down,’ and just wait for Supply Side Egg-onomics to kick in! Thousands of eggs will magically appear!”

Of course, not all the bunnies believed in magic. But those that did kept voting for Doozy. And the underpaid teachers settled for magic because nothing else was offered to them. Fast forward through an immense fog of magic …

… By now all the bunnies had noticed the basket was very, very, very empty. With no eggs in the basket, how would they pay for schools for their bunny wunnies? They all began to thump their feet.

Doozy wiped the sweat from his paws and shouted, “Wait one Easter Egg minute!”

He brushed back his long ears, straightened his bow tie, pulled out his cellphone, tapped on a YouTube video and said, “If you won’t believe in magic — watch this!”

The bunnies looked at one another. Up came a video that must have cost a million eggs to make! The video told all the bunnies how much Doozy loved education and schools and teachers and all the little bunny-wunnies.

No bunny watched the video. They were all staring at the very, very, very empty basket.

Just then, who should hop by but the Easter Bunny himself! He burst out laughing when he saw poor Doozy and the empty Giggle Trickle Down basket. “That old trick! Mr. Doozy! Who do you think we are? Dumb bunnies? When it comes to education, you should leave magic to Santa, the Tooth Fairy and yours truly, the Easter Bunny.”

And then he laughed, shook his head and bounded away.

Scriber picks up the story …

Gov. Doozy finally got the message. He just needed to find a source of eggs - real eggs, not magical ones. He noticed that what eggs the teachers have comes from a big mega-basket. A few eggs pop out of the mega-basket each year. Doozy reasoned that he could take more eggs from that mega- basket today - even though there would be fewer eggs tomorrow. So Doozy made some more videos, the theme being 123, more eggs for thee. All the bunnies, well most of them anyway, cheered because finally they got some more eggs.

But this story may not end well. The Magisterial Bunny with the black robe and white wig ruled that robbing the future to pay for the present was not a good idea. All the teacher bunnies may have to give back the few eggs that Doozy’s 123 trick gave them. The problem is: the teacher bunnies already ate those eggs. If they have to pay back the eggs, they might end up with fewer eggs than before Gov. Doozy started dabbling in the dark arts.

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