Friday, June 22, 2018

Can the bar no longer be lowered? Borowitz says yes. Scriber says no and reports 18,000 reasons why the bar is not yet bottomed out

Bar Officially Cannot Be Lowered claims New Yorker satirist Andy Borowitz.

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—A group of scholars who have been monitoring the descent of the bar over the past few decades have concluded that the bar can no longer be lowered, the scholars announced on Friday.

The academics, led by Professor Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, published their conclusion after their research definitively found that the bar had finally dropped to its lowest possible position.

“For those who thought the bar still had room to be lowered, our findings resoundingly contradict that assumption,” Logsdon said. “The bar is now essentially flush with the ground.”

Logsdon acknowledged that he and his fellow scholars have come under fire in the past for claiming that the bar could not be further lowered, specifically when they issued a paper to that effect after the selection of the Republican Vice-Presidential nominee in 2008.

“We got that one wrong,” he said. “Clearly, the bar still had a way to go.”

Now that the issue of whether the bar can be further lowered has been settled, Logsdon and his colleagues plan to examine the question of whether there is anything left to scrape at the bottom of the barrel. “Our findings are preliminary, but it appears that the answer is no,” he said.

Scriber usually thinks Andy is spot on in his reporting the reshuffled news. However, to this one I must take exception. The quoted researchers from the UofM are incorrect. The bar, while really low, is nowhere near the minimum on the Scriber’s HLCYG (how-low-can-you-go) scale.

The NY Times reports that Federal health officials asked the Pentagon to prepare to house as many as 20,000 unaccompanied migrant children on military bases. “New, makeshift detention facilities are being envisioned to house thousands of immigrant families that are crossing illegally into the United States following President Trump’s executive order on Wednesday, which called for detaining parents and children together instead of separating them.” There are over 2000 children in the distribution system subsequent to Trump’s zero tolerance policy that separates the children from their parents. Scriber’s HLCYG score is 20,000 - 2,000 = 18,000. So the bar has that far to drop before it is as low as you can go.

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