What are the implications of losing your job because of a racist tweet? Can you be pardoned? By whom? New Yorker satirist Andy Borowitz explores these questions in a pair of reports. Then Scriber reports on his Usually Unreliable Sources.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House was reportedly in panic mode Tuesday afternoon, shortly after news broke that a television star with a racist Twitter feed had been fired.
According to a White House source, Donald J. Trump immediately huddled with close advisers to discuss the firing, which, staffers agreed, “set an ominous new precedent.”
“We’ve been living under assumption that a TV personality could tweet out as many racist things as he or she wanted with no consequences,” the source said. “Now, all of a sudden, our worst nightmare has come true.”
White House staffers are reportedly combing through Trump’s thirty-seven thousand tweets, searching for ones that could be deemed fireable offenses, and have so far flagged more than thirty-six thousand of them.
Many on Trump’s team are urging calm, however, claiming that the dismissal of one racist TV star could be an “isolated example."
“The only people who can fire Donald Trump right now are congressional Republicans, and they don’t have the high moral standards that TV executives have,” the source said.
What if Trump loses his job, for example, due to impeachment? Will VP Pence pardon him? Does Pence even know how to use the pardon?
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Donald J. Trump made Vice-President Mike Pence watch him issue pardons for several hours to see how it is done, a White House source confirmed.
According to the source, Trump pardoned a number of disgraced political figures and former reality-show cronies for the sole purpose of training Pence in the art of issuing pardons.
After signing pardon after pardon while Pence looked on intently, Trump commanded the Vice-President to sign a “practice pardon” to prove that he “wouldn’t mess anything up,” the source said.
Before trying his hand at issuing a pardon, Pence heaped praise on Trump for the pardoning demonstration he had just given.
“Mr. President, as in everything you do, your mastery of pardoning has been a wonder to behold,” he said. “I pray to God that, if I am ever called upon to issue a pardon, I do it with one-tenth of the skill and grace you have just displayed.”
“Stop sucking up and sign it,” Trump reportedly snapped.
Of more immediate concern to Scriber’s Usually Unreliable Sources is another group of Trump associates who are under investigation by Special Counsel Mueller. One of my Sources reports that the current pardons are preparation for a wholesale pardoning of those charged in the Russia investigation who have confessed, been indicted, or are in any other legal difficulty. Another of my Sources confirms that the US House of Representatives is unlikely to take any action other than to request a couple of hundred souvenir pens used for granting those pardons.