In Major Setback for Trump, Court Rules He May Send Troops Only to Cities He Can Identify on Map reports New Yorker satirist Andy Borowitz.
WASHINGTON ([The Borowitz Report])—In what is widely seen as a major setback for Donald J. Trump, a federal district court has ruled that he may send Department of Homeland Security agents only to cities that he can correctly identify on a map.
According to the ruling, before Trump can deploy forces to any American city, he must first indicate their intended destination on an unmarked map and cannot let anyone else take this test for him.
White House sources said that, after the ruling was announced, a furious Trump repaired to the Oval Office with a map of the United States and a Sharpie.
After hovering his marker over the map for more than an hour, Trump finally brought it down on what he thought was Detroit but was, in actuality, East Hampton, New York.
In East Hampton, a town board member, Carol Foyler, expressed concern about Trump’s decision to send D.H.S. agents to the beach community.
“At this time of year, I think it will be next to impossible for them to find a rental,” she said.
Also in the Gnus, Scriber’s Usually Unreliable Sources report that, because of the court ruling, Trump’s secret police must be withdrawn from Portland Oregon.